- Misbehaving in public
- Fighting with siblings
- breaking stuff
- coloring the walls
- calling bad names
- spilling milk on the floor
- back talk
- ruining the furniture
- Touching their private parts
and lots and lots of behaviors that drive parents crazy , leaving us with the feeling that we are not in control Anymore , and nothing threatens us more than not to be in control .
so we usually tend to get angry ( revert to our primitive brain) to cover our feeling of being lost and threatened and sometimes weak .
So when we get angry we react !!!!
Then the punishing series begin
( yelling , screaming , scolding , shaming , timeouts or even hitting ).
Parents who use punishments usually do because they think that its the only way to teach their kids a lesson , or otherwise they will end-up being disrespectful spoiled brats .
So they feel strongly that strictness and punishment work.
I agree. I would never say that punishment does not work.
Punishment does work in that it usually stops misbehavior immediately.
But what are the long term results?
Let me introduce you to the
The Four Rs of Punishment:
1. RESENTMENT—(“This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.”)
2 . REVENGE—( “They are winning now, but I’ll get even.” )
3. REBELLION—(“I’ll do just the opposite to prove I don’t have to do it their way.”)
- Sneakiness—(“I won’t get caught next time.”)
- Reduced self-esteem—(“I am a bad person.”)
Punishing our kids sends them the mistaken belief that mistakes are terrible , because whenever it’s going to happen they will get hurt , abandoned , scolded and shamed .
All children deserve to believe that mistakes are their portal to grow and learn . That it’s a great opportunity to strengthen their capability muscles and problem solving skills .
Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?
Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better? Take the time to close your eyes and remember a recent time (or a time during your childhood) when someone tried to motivate you to do better by trying to make you feel bad .
Remember exactly what happened. Get in touch with how you felt.
Children do better when they feel better ,
I would hugely emphasize the importance of using kindness and firmness at the same time for teaching life competencies based on an inner locus of control .
and the importance of making a connection before correction and involving children to focus on solutions instead of punishing for mistakes .
Sending you much love